Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
