Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
