I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
