he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Someone shit on the floor
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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