you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
