I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
