I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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