I am midnight drunk by noon
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
