i think my tv is drunk
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I understand Curling. That high.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
