i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
