his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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