theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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