I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
