what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
