Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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