I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
