Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
