Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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