so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
