before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Michael Bay diarrhea
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
