Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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