so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
