he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
