Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
