I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Welp...herpes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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