My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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