Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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