I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
