Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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