At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
