I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
