I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
there is puke in my bra ... again
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
