I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
