I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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