Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
