The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How does it feel to date your dad?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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