I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
