I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
