That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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