i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
