My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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