No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
