I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
