i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
