Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
