My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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