Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
