I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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