Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
