I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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